Such good times I can't comprehend...

Right now I'm sitting at the end of my dining room table, with a cup of warm coffee, with Johnny Cash spinning on the turntable, and my mama sitting beside me looking out the window at some random little snowflakes whirling around and my german shepherd playing fetch with herself via a stick she found in the yard. Across the room is my husband, sitting by the fireplace reading a book.

Coming from my kind of background, enjoying these moments is actually difficult.. too many good days in a row and you begin wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. Learning to live in the moment, be fully present and grateful without the edge of anxiety... it takes WORK. Real work.

I ate some lentils today, left over from a couple of days ago. I let myself get hungry and when I get hungry it's hard not to reach for white carbs and sugar. But I thought, standing in front of our open new fridge, I loved myself enough to buy this fridge. I loved myself to fill it with veggies and fruits and healthy things. I will love myself enough to put good, clean foods in my body. I reheated the lentils and now I'm kicking myself for not writing down the recipe while I was cooking, because they were the best fucking lentils I've ever had! Maybe they were even better reheated, but man. Best lentils ever.

And I write some more, focus on writing instead of social media and time wasters. Some days my brain feels like it's clicking along just really smoothly, and this is one of those days, so I've gotten a lot done. The house is clean and our laundry is done and everything is pretty tidy. I've taken down most of the Christmas decorations so my living and dining room look less cluttered and overall more comfortable to me.

Focusing on gratitude isn't hard at all these days... I have SO very much to be grateful for. Not letting my anxiety and trauma kill my gratitude is the focus now!