How you treat your young adult children...

I had a little bit of a breakthrough yesterday. I was just ruminating on my relationship with my now 18 year old child. In same ways, I've completed one 'level' of parenting. Getting them to 18! Whoo!

And I have also been thinking a lot about why I can't just move ON from dealing with the rejection and silent treatment from my adoptive parents. I was expected to maintain that relationship, and I did- for years. I would call them, I would ask about arrangements for holidays, I would invite them and host if that's what it took to be together for holidays, but I never just got casual phone calls from my parents. Either one. I carried the entire relationship.

Further, when I was a very young adult and told them I was struggling, I was met with cold passivity. It was as if, "...and?" was an entire relationship stance. I had to figure it out on my own, many times, even as a single mother of three young children.

So yesterday, I thought about my son being 18 and making mistakes, struggling, needing guidance and assistance. And I can't fathom ever leaving my child out in the cold. I can't fathom leaving him, at any point in his adult life, to just "figure it out" [barring serious criminal activity and/or drug addiction, of which I've never had in my own life... ever... no matter how much the rumors said I did. Background check says otherwise, and I know I've never had a problem with drug addiction.], and the very thought of just abandoning him and leaving him to the clutches of the world, to figure it out on his own, without making sure he has a safe place to lay his head, some food, safety and shelter at the bare minimum... I just can't comprehend it. I literally can't wrap my brain around abandoning my son, or any of my kids, at any point in their lives.

So that's the difference between us. My adopted parents seemingly had no problem washing their hands of me once I turned 18 and they were under no obligation to continue pretending to care for me. That's always hurt, but from where I sit now, as the parent of an 18 year old, it's just fucking WILD to me that they were able to do it, and have maintained the distance in our relationship for years and years, even when I was -actively serving my country in the US Navy -working as a government contractor for the DoD -going back to college to get my degree -working for a decade in nonprofits serving the community -opening my own consulting firm for nonprofits and small businesses, one which I successfully ran from 2016 to 2020, until Covid knocked it out from under me -successfully raising three amazing children for eleven years before having my fourth and then successfully raising four children.

When I found out that that entire time, when I was putting SO... MUCH effort into working and bettering myself and doing my best to make them proud, they were not just actively avoiding me but telling people I had drug and legal problems... I was speechless, and then I was really, really, really mad.

For literal decades, most of the choices I made were in an attempt to make my adopted mother proud of me. Not what I wanted, what I liked, or even what I thought was best for me and my family, but what would make Anna proud. That was first in my mind in most decisions. What that meant, many times, is that those decisions backfired because they weren't actually what was best for me and my family. Either way, she never cared to notice or acknowledge my hard work, my success, my strength and dedication to my children and my life but instead sat back judging and gossiping. The scope and depth and breadth of what that means, sitting from the place of a mother of an older teen/adult child, is simply breathtaking in its coldness and cruelty.

Being a mom, a present and dedicated mom, has changed me in ways I can never even begin to enumerate (as it should). The strength my children have given me, the strength to leave bad situations, the strength to get up every morning and work to make sure they had a clean home, a fridge full of food, clothing, life experiences and vacations... my children made me as strong as steel. They've given me strength beyond measure, and part of the strength they've given me is keeping my distance from people who don't have my back. My circle is small, very small, but every single number in my phone with a star beside it will be at my door as soon as humanly possible if I need a helping hand (like when I was hospitalized in 2020 and my tribe made sure my kids were taken care of while my husband worked and kept everything going), they celebrate my achievements and life events, and they listen when I vent. I simply don't entertain the presence of "friends" or "family" who don't act like it.

And now I have my biological mother in my life, and she is an absolute beautiful angel. She has a sweet, loving spirit and accepted me and my family, as-is, from the very first moment we met. Being loved by a mother, the way it should be, has been the most healing time in my life. I feel that I've gotten more healing and closure in the six months since we met than the last twenty years of my life. And even more in the time since she's lived with us. Having her around daily is absolutely incredible, and feels completely organic and natural.

Maybe life is a perpetual, never-ending healing journey for some of us. I'm okay with that. I'd rather forever be working on myself and challenging the parts of myself I don't like than simply succumb to being a shitty person, which I'm seeing a lot of people do... just give up and stop even trying to be a decent person and settle into the easy complacency of being comfortably shitty. That ain't for me. I've come a long way, and I'm never going back. And I made the decision to have children, so I owe them my best self for the rest of my life. I don't consider that some kind of obligation; it's a beautiful gift I've been given... reason to live and live well. But going forward, as much as I expect of myself, I'm applying those expectations to those around me. I expect the same consideration and treatment that I give to my loved ones, and I deserve it, and I won't accept less than that any longer.

Loving others, truly loving them, has a way of making us love ourselves more. Fostering an environment of love will have that effect on the kids, teenagers, and young adults within its reach.... and that's my goal. Growing love like a garden, for life.